A comedy about sex, drugs, murder and tampons. a four act play by afdhel aziz

Loud music beforehand - Blur 'Song 2', Spotlights crisscross the curtains, hype builds up so as to provide counterpoint to opening bars of scene.

Act 1

A normal Colombo living room. Two men and one woman. Ravi is short, pudgy, bounces on the balls of his feet a lot with nervous energy. Asif is tall thin and ascetic. Shantha (vivacious, sharp) is lolling on the couch while rolls tobacco in a paper. Lots of books in study, expensive stereo, tv and video, phone , posters on walls - music/films.

Shantha : (to no one in particular) : God, I'm Bored. (no one pays attention so she repeats) (flips through magazines, turns radio on and off. Silence lingers). Bored , bored bored. I'm boreder than Captain Bored in Bored City on Bored Wednesday, the winner of the Being Bored Competition for 1998.

(Other two say nothing)

Shantha: Why did Superman always wear his underwear on the outside then ?

Asif: Excuse me ?

Shantha: If he was such a cool super hero why did he have to look like a dickhead ? Of what possible use was that bloody cape ? And why did he have to wear his jungees on the outside and not on the inside ?

Asif: Because he was afraid of VPL ….

Ravi: What's that ?

Shantha: Visible panty line dummy……….

Ravi : So you're saying that Superman was a narcissistic fashion princess ?

Shantha: That's basically it yes. And why the hell did he need a secret identity ? If he was Superman , he could go on forever and he didn't need to hide and chill out like Spiderman and Batman do - he could just keep fighting crime all the time . Just imagine the thousands of people who died while he was busy playing Clark Kent and flirting with Lois Lane over the photocopying machine at the Daily Planet ?

Asif: You've got a point there. I think I'll write to the papers about it.

Ravi: Well, I've got one. What the hell did the Incredible Hulk do for clothes when he stopped being angry and became Bill Bixby again ? Did he just walk around in ragged trousers and a cut off t-shirt pretending he was on his way to a surfing party ?

Asif: Maybe he hid a credit card somewhere in his underpants - and when he stopped being angry , he'd pop into the nearest clothes store and buy some new ones……..

Shantha: You know what could have saved him a lot of bother ? Cycle shorts.

Ravi: Yes ! He could have just walked around wearing this all in one spandex bodysuit and not have had to change or do anything …..

Asif: Only problem is that he would have looked like a gay aerobics instructor on steroids. Wouldn't be good for the image.

Shantha: No, not really. I'll tell you who really was gay though …..remember George from the Famous Five ? One of the world's first prototype lesbians.

Ravi: Oh come on, she was just being a tomboy ……

Shantha: No, a tomboy is when you like playing soldiers and climbing trees. Short hair, dressing like a boy , acting like a boy……that's a dyke, baby, and I don't mean the kind you get in Holland.

Asif:The ones you put your finger in to stop them from leaking ?

Shantha: Exact….You know what I'm talking about.

Ravi: I bet Enid Blyton is laughing in her grave.

Asif: Here's another one - does anybody spot the resemblance between The Famous Five and Scooby Doo….

Ravi: Yeah ……Julian Dick and Anne George and Timmy the Dog………Fred, Shaggy, Daphne, Thelma and Scooby……My God, I can't believe it, they should sue for copyright….

Asif: I'll tell you what I can't believe……I can't believe I watched that damn programme so much when I was a kid because it's always the same bloody plotline every time. There are only five characters in the show and any time someone new turns up, he always turns out to be the mysterious ghost whose haunting the amusement park or whatever……..

Shantha: And he always says…….

CHORUS : I would have gotten away if it wasn't for you damn kids….hahhahahaha (they laugh and then look depressed) .

Ravi: You know what the other complete waste of time was right ?

Asif: What ?

Ravi: Well Rabbit , Just you wait.

Shantha: No, no, you mean You Just Wait .

Ravi: No, it's Just you wait….remember, at the end of the cartoon, the wolf always says (adopts gruff Russian voice) Well, Rabbit………just you wait .

Shantha: Oh yeah…..

Asif: I always thought that was a metaphor for Soviet American relations myself.

Ravi: What do you mean ?

Asif: Well the rabbit represented the decadent West, always happily frolicking along , without a care in the world. And the wolf was the conscientious worker , always trying his hardest to catch the rabbit, but never quite succeeding because of the unfairness of the biased capitalistic system that prohibits the working class from ever rising above his predetermined level.

(Silence while everyone digests this).

Shantha: You weren't allowed to play much when you were a child , were you ?

(Silence breaks out again, broken only by the flipping of magazine pages)

Ravi: Turn your slipper the other way around…..

Shantha: Why ?

Ravi:Because it's bad luck that's why…..

Asif: Yeah, why ?

Ravi: It just is OK… means your parents are going to die.

Shantha: What ?

Ravi:Listen, I don't know why , it just does OK.

Shantha : Why ? Why should my slipper being the wrong way up mean that my Ammi and Thathi are going to drop dead ? What numbskull invented that little piece of folk superstition ? What happens if I turn all my shoes upside down - does that mean my entire family dies in a freak yachting accident ?

Ravi: Look, I'll do it for you alright……..God, woman what a palaver.


Shantha: (sighs) I'm so bored you could use me for a fence.

Asif: Listen Shantha, that's just not punny. Stop making a nuisance of yourself and chill out.

Shantha : But we never do anything stimulating !! Where's the theatre, the opera, the culture ??

Ravi: Where the hell do you think you are , back in Boston studying Philosophy ? This is Pamankade baby, Pamankade, hardly the cultural mecca of the universe. We could go and hang out at the kade and smoke beedi if you want.

Shantha : Don't laugh at me , I'm trying to make a valid point you mutt ....

Ravi : Oooh, did you hear that , she called me a mutt, what's the matter darling, is it your time of the month ?

Shantha : Typical...any time a woman shows that she has bigger balls than you do , you put it down to her period. God, you men make me sick ...

Asif: Yeah , but we can cook...we're sensitive nineties men.

Shantha : No seriously, you know if men had periods, the whole bloody approach would be different...

Ravi : ha ha...

Shantha : what ?

Ravi : don't you get it ? You said bloody approach...

Shantha : Urgh.....what I mean is that if men had periods, you guys would boast about them .

Asif : Boast about them ?

Shantha : Yeah, you would stagger around once a month and go to CR&FC and go, machan, heavy flow this time machang while you drink your Carlsberg. You would boast about the size of your tampons, look machang, I buy the super heavy extra duty size, the one that's made out of rope. Free and Easy ? hell no, it would be Rough and Ready. If only you guys knew what we had to go through

Ravi : I'll tell you what, kick me in the kidneys a couple of times and I'll try and empathise with you ok.

Shantha : Oh go to hell.

Asif : Ladies, ladies, please let's try and calm down . I have a brilliant idea...let's drive down to Hikkaduwa, have dinner and run around naked on the beach

Ravi: Oh no we will not - you remember what happened last time ?The bloody tourist police came and started checking ID's while I froze my ass off in the water, yelling passport eka kalisamey...very sorry, no can do.

Shantha (Checking newspaper) Hey, there's a play on tonight at the Lionel Wendt …..

Ravi: What is it ?

Shantha: 'Upstairs Downstairs' - Another hilarious farce which involves Bertie Calhoun and his wife who receive a mysterious phone call telling them to bet on a race horse. When they win the money, they realise that they have intercepted a phone call for a Mafia bookie and that the Mob is after them !!!

Asif; No, no , no, not another bloody farce, I am so sick of them, they all involve people mistaking people for somebody else, running in and out of bedrooms and doors and dropping their trousers. Out of the question.

Shantha: OK , how about if we go clubbing ?

Ravi: What, stand outside while a bunch of drunken foriegners get ushered in ahead of us, and then pay for ridiculously overpriced drinks while we listen to the same damn ten songs over and over again ? Forget it. In fact , if I hear Reggae nights one more time , I will commit homicide right there and then.


Asif: What's on TV then.

Shantha: Let me check.(pulls out newspaper) . 8:05 Hindi Film songs. 8:35 Hindi Film songs. 9:20 A very special bumper edition of .....

Asif: Hindi film songs?

Shantha : No, kopi kade. I think it's the version where everyone drops LSD and runs around naked.

Asif: Urghh.....what a horrible thought. There must be something else. Gimme the remote.

(TV clicks on. Hindi film music blares. Click)

Ravi: Oh look, it's Baywatch.

Shantha : Boobwatch you mean....

Asif : Look their going to kiss...shit, they censored it. Why , oh why do they do that ? Do you think if they do it for long enough people will forget how to kiss ? Will the procreation of the human species end in this country because people don't know how to show love to each other ? Will....what the hell are you doing ?

Ravi: Shhh.. my little cousin told me that if you hold a handkerchief up to your eyes, you can see through that blurred effect they put on screen...

Asif: OH GOD, have we lost all sense of reality ???? Look at what we've been forced to do on a Thursday night !!! Give me that bloody remote

Ravi : No, wait , I can see something...

Asif: Give me the damn thing...

Ravi: No, no...

(Scuffle ensues. Asif gets hold of remote and zaps tv with it.)

VOICE FROM TV: Well , folks, itz time for a very zpecial request , going out to a whole bunch of funky doody people out there.....

Shantha : ohmigod it's him, that guy, what's his name Vernon Panchikawatte,

Asif: What the hell is he wearing that a pink shirt, with a green tie, and a yellow waistcoat

Ravi: I can't see, his outfit is blinding me ...hand me my shades....

Voice: And this very cool tune goes out to Mala, Deshani, Deepika, Podi Nangi, Podi Malli, Baba, Cuckoo , Sonna,

(three watch mesmerized as list goes on)

Sarath Ayya, Sharmini Akki, Ariyapala Mama, Bubbles, Choo Choo, Eunice, Devini, Kota, Imthi...

(they keep watching slack jawed)

Imran, Deshan, Shehani, Ramani,Kumar, Cuda, Maya, Arjun, Arun, Anoma, Aliya,Aravinda, Sanath,

(list goes on)

Feroze, Vasula, Kanthi, Preethi, Sudu , Kusuma, Jack Mama, Viran , and Rochelle from the Rukmalgama Housing Scheme....

(three breathe a sigh of relief. Then list starts again)

And not forgetting Suren, Sanjeev, Bobby, Shiran, Krishan, Romesh, Nishan, Ruwan, Nuwan, Navin, Praveen, Ossie, Chandi Aunty and Tikiri. Here's Shaking Stevens with Green Door...

(music starts and is muted by Asif)

Asif: Don't these people have any life ?

Ravi: That explains your unemployment problem right there, their all too busy writing to request shows....

Shantha: God I hate that man, if I saw him on the street, I would probably run him over...

Asif: He wouldnt be difficult to spot thats for sure....who do you think dresses him, Stevie Wonder ???

Ravi: Ray Charles , more like, judging from the vintage. Doesnt he understand color combinations like that can greviously scar children for life...

Shantha: Maybe he should have a warning sign appear under him whenever he's on TV. Warning The Ministry of Health believes that too much exposure to Vernon Panchikawatte is bad for your health.

Ravi: I think I would run him over too.

Asif: Too obvious.

Shantha : What do you mean ?

Asif: You would have to be more subtle. Couldnt do it in broad daylight. Too many people.

Ravi: So how would you do it ? Kill him...

Asif: I'd do it so that no-one would know that it was murder.

Ravi : Yeah, and , how ?

Asif: Hmm. Strangle him ? Marks around the neck. Can't find a gun anywhere these days. Knives leave nasty, gaping wounds - so unsightly. Suicide ?

Shantha : I don't think that he's the kind of person who would commit suicide. He's got too much to live for.

Ravi: What , like giving thousands of Sri Lankans an even worse dress sense than they already have ? If everyone started dressing like that, I'd be blinded and in a permanent state of cardiac arrest.

Asif: That's it !

Shantha: What , his dress sense ? You mean send him a suit that actually looks good so that he dies of fright ?

Asif: No madayan, cardiac arrest. Hand me that copy of the TV Times would you ? Here, there's an article about him. Says that he has a thyroid condition.

(they look blankly at him)

Asif: Don't you see ? I can get some hypertension pills from the hospital dispensary. Then all we do is grind them up, put them in some food and get him to eat it . Then hey presto, heart attack....

Ravi: That's brilliant ? Only one small flaw in your plan Mr.Blofeld, how the hell are we going to be able to feed him this food ? Are you going to stop being a doctor and become a cook in his house ?

Asif: Ravi , for a man of your intelligence, you can be supremely obtuse sometimes. What do you do for a living?

Ravi: I'm a journalist. (light dawns) . I see ! Tell him I want to do an article on him and invite him over here for dinner.

Shantha : By God Watson, it just might work...Ravi, go make some calls and find out his number.

(Ravi exits the room)

Asif: So what do you do with the body ?

Shantha : Well, we could chop it up into small pieces ….or weigh it down with lead weights and throw it into the Beira ……

Asif: It might improve the smell somewhat ….

Shantha: Or we could just leave it in the middle of Fort at night and bugger off…..

Asif: You are supremely twisted….I like that in a woman.

Shantha: you better believe it baby….

Ravi: OK, I got the number. Here goes. (dials phone) Hello…hello, may I speak to Vernon please ….Oh, hello Vernon , this is Ravi Bartholomews from the Sunday Mail newspaper…yes, oh you read the column, do you ? I ….thank you thank you…you know , I was just thinking that I needed to do a round up of the years greatest celebrities and I was wondering if I could persuade you to do an interview with me ….you'll be glad to…..superb….shall we say

(Asif and Shantha signal frantically)

Ravi Next Tuesday at 8 pm ? Yes, the address is Number Seven , Panchikawatte Gardens, Panchikawatte… can make it ? Great, we'll see you then…..

(puts phone down)

Ravi: There, it's done. The wheels are in motion 007.

Asif (in Sean Connery accent) : Splendid ! Now Mrs. Moneypenny , would you care for a spot of Lion Lager ??

Shantha (simpers ironically) : Oh James…..



(Lights up)

Shantha rushes in doing up the back of her blouse. Asif is lolling on the couch watching TV.

Shantha: What the hell are you doing ? Here's due here any second now !

Asif: Relax babes, everything is under control. The aubergine and eggplant casserole is gently heating in the over, the saffron rice is ready and baking, and the red wine is breathing in as we speak……

Shantha: Do this up will you, I can't reach.

(Asif does up her blouse while she continues talking)

Shantha: I'm sure we've forgotten something. How about the bodybag ?

Asif: Ironed and ready in cupboard.

Shantha : The chains and the dumbells.

Asif: Already in the boot of the car.

Shantha: Ravi ?

Asif: (leaps up) Holy shit ! Ravi…...he's still asleep.

Shantha: Well, go wake the bugger up then!!

Asif runs into the next room : Doorbell rings.

Shantha: I'll get it . (mutters) It can't be him already…..

(Door opens and in sweeps over made up Colombo 7 Matron from hell)

Mrs. Goonasekara: Hellooooo Shantha…….My , you're looking nice today, expecting a man over ???

Shantha: Er, yes, Mrs. Goonasekara, what can I do for…..

Mrs.Goonasekera: About time too, your poor mummy must be worried sick about you, twenty seven and without a husband as yet….and living with two men, what will people say

Shantha: I'm sure I can imagine…..however , as I've told you before, I'm lesbian and those two are gayer than Boy George, Cliff Richard and George Michael rolled into one…

Mrs. G: Cliff Richard is not gay !!! My don't say that, my brother loves Cliff Richard , he would be horrified ……

Shantha: So would Cliff if anyone found out….anyway, what is it exactly that I can do for you ?

Mrs G: Speaking of my brother, he 's coming for dinner tonight, so I was wondering if you would like to join us. Those two can come as well if they want to

Shantha: No, I think they have some homeosexual activities that they want to practise this evening.

(Asif and Ravi walk in , Ravi looking very sleepy)

Ravi: WHAT !!

Shantha: Oh , hello ladies, I was just telling Mrs. G here that you were going to practise being gay this evening.

Asif: Yes, that's right , today is the day that we practise our funny walks ….and the wrist movements, don't forget the wrist movements……

Ravi: I am not GAY !!!

Asif: Very good, very butch , I'm proud of you sweetheart….. (whispered aside) He's going through denial , you see Mrs, G,. he needs a lot of support..…

Mrs:G: Don't worry child , there are plenty of therapies that you can take to cure yourself of your gayosity……I will pray for you .

Ravi: I AM NOT GAY……

Mrs:G: So Asif, I was just telling Shantha here to come down for dinner if she liked, my brother is coming tonight , I have a nice fish curry…….

Asif: Would love to come tonight, but we have a special guest for dinner and ……

(doorbell rings)

Shantha: Shit, he's early

Ravi(suddenly realises) : I don't have any pants on !!!

Asif: He was practising his gayosity…Shantha the door…Mrs G it was charming of you to ask, but we really have to RSVP you in the negative on this one…..thank you so much for coming and taking the time with us…….kiss kiss, bye bye

(Door swings open and Vernon comes in. Heavy Indian accent )

Vernon: Hello folks !!!

MrsG: Why…why……you're ……you're …..Vernon Panchikawatte !!!

Vernon: yez, thatz right …..

Mrs.G: I love your show, I write in to it all the time…..and I love you dress sense, my , how nice you look…..

Vernon: Thank you , thank you kindly dear sweet madam, you too are a vision in that sari of yours -

Shantha: This is Mrs Goonasekara , our upstairs neighbour…..

(Vernon notices Shantha) And this must be your sister…….

Mrs.G Simpers. Shantha simpers and makes gagging motions behind his back.

MrsG: Oh you are so charming, I knew you would be so charming in real life also……

Asif: Yes, well, MrsG thanks for coming down, bye bye now

Mrs.G: It was lovely meeting you Vernon, if I may call you Vernon that is

Vernon: The pleasure was truthfully mine.

MrsG leaves.Door slams shut. Vernon turns around.

Vernon: Silly old bitch.

Asif:(aghast) What ?

Vernon: What an annoying old crone. Must be hell living next door to her. Right, what do you have to drink ?

Ravi: Er ……Scotch ? Sorry by the way I'm Ravi Bartholomews.

Vernon: Ah yes, the fabled columnist. It really is the most pretentious bullshit in the papers you know. Still good for a laugh. Have you got any Johnny Walker

Asif: ….Yes…..

Vernon: Just a spot of ice in it , don't want to spoil the flavour……nice place you got here (plumps himself down on the sofa) Settee is a bit hard though. Sit down , sit down, I won't bite. (pats sofa next to him,looking at Shantha)

Shantha : Er….thank you. I'm Shantha, I live with Ravi …and this is Asif. We live with Ravi.

Vernon: Oh, a threesome hey - kinky , I like that.

Ravi: It's not like that at all….

Vernon: Oh, you're gay are you ?

Ravi(howls) ; I AM NOT BLOODY GAY!!

Vernon: That's all right, don't mind if you're a bit of a butt pirate. I went to St Thomas you know…….

Ravi: I swear to you, I am not a homeosexual….

Vernon (sneers) Don't get defensive about it duckie……we all have our little hang ups.

Asif returns with a drink.

Asif: Here you go, I'm Asif by the way.

Vernon: Yes, your boyfriend told me.

Ravi (heatedly) : LOOK …..

Vernon; So what do you do then ?

Asif:I'm a doctor. I work at St Frasiers.

Vernon : So you must be pretty bloody rich by now no ?

Asif: Not yet.

Vernon: Oh you'll get there. All the bloody doctors in this country walk around as if they shit gold and piss silver. They have a God complex , I'll tell you . Think they are big buggers just because they can save someone's life. …..

Asif: Well, there are exceptions to the rule…….

Vernon: I blame the parents myself. Grow up and become a doctor putha, that's instant fame, fortune and respectability . Here come and sit next to me girlie, tell me about yourself.

Shantha: Girlie ????? I'd prefer it if you didn't use that term. I am a woman you know.

V: Oh don't be such a bloody prim faced feminist. I can't stand women like you, always going on about how you want equal rights but still expecting us to be chivalrous and bow down , and open doors and give you seats on the bus and all…….I wish you'd make up your minds. Too much sexual frustration , that's what I say.

Ravi: What, you're saying that …….

V: Sri Lankan women don't get enough sex that's why they become so bossy and domineering , treating their men like dogs. You know, we used to be famous for the Karma Sutra …….

Asif: Er, I think that was the Indians…..and by the way, I thought you were Indian ……

V: What, because of that bloody stupid accent ? That's just for comic relief men ! Everyone knows those Indian accents are the funniest things in the world ! (adopts the accent) Aday, pass me the poppadums yaar ! And now we have a song for Malli, Nangi, Thathi and nyah nyah nyah nyah blah blah blah……my god, those letters are the things I hate the most in my life !!! Stupid, silly lobotomized gibbons who don't have anything better to do than write to me ……this is all off the record , no ?

R: (hastily) Yes, yes…….especially that part about the lobotomized gibbons.Though it would make a great headline…….

S: (sarcastically) So , this is the real Vernon Panchikawatte ??

V: Why, you thought I was like some kind of gibbering , badly dressed mott case like that other tall , bald bugger, what's his face, Arjun Bandaratunge or something ? Or that other bugger with the fake accent who used to that half-witted morning show ? It's all an act girlie, all an act. Give the punters what they want , that's what I say …..put the bums on the seats, that's all the advertisers want.

R: SO Vernon, can I ask you a few questions ?

V(suspiciously) Is this on the record or off the record…….

R: Well , how about you tell me both versions and we'll only print what you want printed ?

V: Sounds Ok……(settles into couch) Fire away.

R: How did you get into this business of TV ?

V: I used to be an announcer on the SLBC - you know, melodie and memories, just a song at twilight (starts singing) all that sort of rubbish. Then one day, a friend of mine asked me to try for this new television show that they were doing called The Completely Difficult Television Show or something and then I went and got the job. After that it was easy, just read the names out and act like you enjoy what you are doing………I can tell you it's mind bogglingly boring work. Have you got any nuts ?

Shantha: Pardon ?????

V: Nuts, cashewnuts, something to chew on men….

Ravi: Yeah, hold on I'll get them….(rises and goes into kitchen)

A: Forgive me, but you seem much more articulate than you are on TV.

V: Yeah men, all an image I have to put up. I am actually a very intelligent man you know……

A: Really ?

V: Yes, really . For instance do you know that I know French ? Yeah, je suis un bon raconteur, je parle beaucoup de francois

S: Francais….

V: That too.

R: Here are your nuts.

V: No ! Here are my nuts !! (cackles loudly) So what's for dinner….

Shantha: Well, there's chicken curry and pol sambol……

V: Ahhh ? I thought rich buggers like you would be eating filet mignon and smoked salmon and things like that ……

Asif(Gently leading him to the table) No, no, just simple fare for folk like us. However we could offer you a glass of wine with your meal ??

Vernon: Yes, that would be good. Red , I hope ?

Asif: But of course…Ravi , the wine.

Ravi: Huh ? Oh, alright.

Asif(Hisses) No, not that one , the OTHER wine……

Ravi: Heh ? Ah. Yes. Here we go, specially decanted in advance so that it can breathe/.

V: Never understood that myself, letting the wine breathe. Not like it's human you know !!! Ha ha ha !!!

Shantha: I think it means bringing it down to room temparature.

V: Bloody pretentious bullshit if you ask me. Anyway, slosh it in , slosh it in…that's better. Now may I feel your buns ?

S: Excuse me ???

V: Your buns, I want to see if they are soft or hard. I can't stand hard buns. They play hell with my dentures

S: Oh, certainly…here you go.

R: So Vernon., getting back to the interview… must have a lot of fans after so many years in show business - you seem to win every award in sight, best television presenter and all that ……

V: What's the big deal with those, men ? Anyone can win those - pass the chicken . Now do you work or do you sit around the house and take care of these two all day ?

S: Certainly not ! I run my own advertising agency.

V: Oh, very posh. So you're a liberated women eh ? Don't think that you should get married and let your husband take care of you ?

S: There would be nothing better that I'd like to do than marry some rich old bugger and wait for him to die quickly….unfortunately there seems to be a shortage of rich old buggers who are single these days. All their wives have their claws firmly into their men ….

V: I thought someone like you would be a Feminist know , burn your bras and everything.

S: Do you know how much bra's cost nowadays ??? No, I'm the kind of feminist that wouldn't mind lieing around the house with occasional breaks for shopping.

V: I'm sure many men would love to have someone as talented as you. Myself , I don't think that women should work either. They should stay at home and look after the kids and cook for their husbands.All these women going to work and having affairs with their bosses…..shi, not a good thing

A: How remarkably nineteenth century of you …..and what role should the man play in bringing up the kids……

V: He should give them a good kaney para now and then so that they listen that's all. That's what my father did to me and when I have kids, I will do it to them also.

R: I take it you're not married right now…..

V: No, no…..but not because there were no offers or anything. I come from a good family……I come from Matara you know…….

R: So let me just run through a bunch of issues and you give me an official and unofficial response to each one OK ? Just for my own personal ….

V: Shoot.

R: Abortion ?

V: Officially - women has right to chose but should think about the consequences of what she's doing. Unofficially, I don't give a damn what they do as long as they don't call me. Not that it's ever happened to me of course…heh heh….

R: Of course. Okey dokey…..homeosexuals.

V: Officially, they should be treated with the same love and respect as any other human being. Unofficially, string the buggers up.

A(murmurs) : Sorry Ravi, I knew you had a crush on him.

Ravi: Shut up. Final question. What do you think of Cliff Richard?

V: He's a very talented artist, a true gentleman and one of my very favourites. Off the record , he' s a talentless bastard who hasn't had a hit in centuries and is probably as gay as a San Francisco fashion designer.

Ravi: Right, that's it , I don't think we need any more information. Ladies and Gentlemen I'd like to propose a toast - ToVernon !

ALL: To Vernon !!!

(Vernon sips and beams)

V: I say this is bloody good (head thunks down in soup in mid-sentence)

Asif: My God that was fast. I think I overdosed him.

(All three approach him carefully)

Shantha: Is he dead ?

Asif: (checks pulse) Yup.

Ravi: Hooray !!!

(Knock on door)

ALL: Oh shit !




Music from opening of Pulp Fiction /Spotlights

Lights up, All four in exactly the same position as when Act 2 ended.

ALL: Oh shit !

A: Who the hell can that be ?

Voice outside door: Yooo hooo ! It's me Lavinia from upstairs ! I bought my brother along to meet Vernon, he's such a big fan of his …..

Ravi: What the buggery are we going to do now ?

Shantha: Hide the bastard - in the bedroom - quick - I'll deal with batface.

(Asif and Ravi drag Vernon with great difficulty across floor into bedroom)

Shantha(checks hair in mirror and opens door) : Mrs. Goonasekera , come in, what a nice surprise ,we werent expecting you ……..

MrsG: I know darling, sorry to barge in on you like this , but when I told Ayya that Vernon was here, he just had to meet him …..he's coming down in a second.

Shantha: He's er, he's in the bathroom. Please take a seat. Asif !!!! Ravi !!!! It's Ba…..Mrs. Goonasekera from upstairs !! HER BROTHER is coming down in a minute, he'd like to say hello to VERNON !!!

Continued in part 2