MrsG: My you boys look flustered, hope you'll werent getting up to anything naughty !!
Ravi: Look, don't you get it , I am not , nor at any time have I been, or will I ever be gay ….
Mrs G: You know, it's OK, there are lots of friends of mine whose sons have realised their true nature….
Ravi: I told you ……
MrsG: Myself, I do not agree with it of course, it seems completely unnatural and sick to me …..
MRsG: But like they you know, different strokes for different folks ………..
Ravi: For the last time….
MrsG: The secret is just coming to terms with it and getting on with your life…..
R: (thoroughly exasperated) OK. OK, I'll admit it , I'm a poof, I'm a fairy , I'm a raving bloody queer, a shit stabber, a chutney ferret, a butt pirate, a shirt lifter, I play for the other side, I like to take it up the back passage …yes I AM GAY !!!
(In the meantime, door has opened behind them, letting in MrsG's brother who looks astounded . )
MrsG: I am so glad that you have finally come out of the almirah !
MrsG: Whatever ….this is my brother Miles. This is Shantha, the one I was telling you about, (in stage whisper) The One Who Lives With Two Men. This is my brother, Miles. Miles, Asif , Ravi.
M: Pleased to meet you. What a lovely flat you have here.
Shantha(flustered) Thank you . We live here often.(pause) Er, would you like a drink or something ? We were just in the middle of dinner….
MrsG: Oh, sorry to disturb you dear , we'll just take a minute of your time. Now ,where's that charming man….
Asif: He's just combing his hair.
MrsG: His hair ? But he hasn't got any.
Ravi: I wouldn't say that to his face of course….you know how these thattayas are , very vain about their appearance…..err, I'll just go and see how he's doing…..(bolts into other room)
Shantha: Would you like to sit down ?
Miles : Oh no , we mustn't keep you from your dinner party, I just want to shake his hand and tell him how much I like his programme .
(Suddenly there is a commotion from the bedroom door, and Vernon's hand (prosthesis) slides through the doorway)
Ravi: (Adopting Vernon's voice) AND THANK YOU VERY MUCH , I AM SO GLAD YOU APPRECIATE IT !!
( Everyone looks on in shocked fascination)
RAVI: HELLO !! (Waves hand)
Miles: Er…..Mr. Panchikawatte ?
RAVI: THAT'S RIGHT - AND YOU MUST BE MILES, RAVI TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO SEE ME …..
Miles: Yes, I , I , just wanted to say I watch your show every week,
RAVI: YES, YES, GREAT , MARVELLOUS….
Miles: Er, would you like to come out from behind that door ?
RAVI: NO, NO, SORRY CAN'T DO THAT…..
Miles (Getting suspicious) Why not ?
RAVI: Because…..because……I'M NAKED YOU SEE ….
Miles: Naked ???????
RAVI: YES, I ALWAYS TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF WHEN I USE THE BATHROOM, IT'S A SILLY LITTLE HABIT I HAVE … SO COME OVER HERE AND SHAKE MY HAND THEN….
Miles: Are you sure ??
RAVI: YES, YES , MAN DON'T BE SILLY , COME OVER HERE, I WON'T BITE YOU !!!
Miles gingerly edges towards Vernon's hand and shakes it .
Miles: (looks disgusted) Urgh….your hands are really clammy.
RAVI: I HAVE BAD CIRCULATION….NOW THANK YOU FOR COMING, I MUST GET BACK TO THE TOILET , I HAVE SOME UNFINISHED BUSINESS…..
(Miles looks at his hand and grimaces)
RAVI; THANK YOU, THANK YOU , AND GOOD NIGHT!!
(Arm gets stuck in the doorway and Ravi starts slamming the door on it in an effort to free it)
RAVI: OOPS, HOW CLUMSY OFF ME, I AM SO UNCO-ORDINATED, OOPS, OUCH OUCH OUCH, HA HA , NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT , DOESN'T HURT AT ALL, NOT A PROBLEM, THERE WE GO…..
(Hand retreats into bedroom)
Miles: There's something fishy going on here…..
Asif: No, no, he's just very eccentric you know….here , have a drink. I'll be right back. (He rushes in to the bedroom)
Shantha: (recovering composure) Are you sure you won't like to stay for dinner…..we have heaps of food and it would be absolutely no bother at all……
MrsG: No dear , it's quite alright Miles and I have already eaten…..but thank you for asking anyway - and you know, we must invite you to meet Miles nephew Harith, he is a very nice boy, works as an accountant for a very big firm, and he is quite good looking too- you know, but a bit dark. And short. And fat. But he has a very good job and you know, these days girls your age shouldn't be gallivanting about time, you should be settling down and having babies, otherwise before you know it all the good one will be gone …..
(Shantha suddenly sees Asif and Ravi carrying Vernon's body past the window , balanced precariously on the ledge. She rushes over to block them with her body, turning to face Mrs. G.)
Shantha: Yes, Mrs Goonasekera, I hear this all the time from my mother, she also says the same thing……
Miles(Suddenly putting drink down) There's something going on here and I intend to find out what's going on - what are those two doing in there with Vernon !!!
Shantha( Rushes over to stop him entering the bedroom) Nothing, nothing, there probably just freshening up….you know, boys like to chat ……..
Miles: No, no, get out of my way, there's something happening here and I intend to get to the bottom of it…….please stand aside……
(Shantha sees Asif signalling frantically from window that bedroom is clear)
(Miles rushes in . Shantha demurely watches him, returning to her position by the window)
Mrs.G: My dear, it's getting awfully stuffy in here, do you mind if I open a window?
Shantha bolts towards the one Mrs.G is heading for , where she has just seen Asif's face popping up. She opens the window, firmly shoves him backwards and turns with a graceful smile. We hear Asif yell as he falls one storey down, then a crunch )
Mrs.G: What was that ?
Shantha: What was what ? (looking mystified)
MrsG: That …….screaming noise ?
Shantha: Oh, must have been the cats yowling at the moon, you know how noisy they get when there is a full moon …..
MrsG: But Poya was two weeks ago dear ?
Shantha: They were probably practicing ……
Miles returns from room looking bemused.
Miles; There's nobody there.
Shantha: They must have used the fireplace to go down to the car park……Vernon was saying something to the boys about showing him his car……
(doorbell rings. Ravi leads bedraggled and woozy Asif indoors, who has flowers and weeds hanging off him)
Miles: My God man, what happened to you ?
Ravi : Oh, he fainted…..he has a really weak heart and sometimes he faints dead awayu….
Asif: (Walks towards Mile) Hello, pleased to meet you, what's your name ?
Miles: Miles…..we just met.
Asif: Oh did we, how charming , ha ha ha ha ha aha (keeps laughing in a high pitched voice until Shantha slaps him)
Shantha: Sorry, he sometimes takes a turn for the worse, his mother dropped him on his head when he was a child……
Asif: Ammi , ammi , Asif want to go doyya…..(tries to crawl into Shantha's arms)
Shantha: Ravi….help me out, Asif is having one of his turns again……
Asif: Hello, I'm the Duke of Edinburgh and I keep bees. Where is my Ferrari ? Who put the pickles together with the peppers ? Once more into the breach dear friends, once more…….
Ravi: There there Asif, come with me, we'll put you to bed now……
(Asif mumbles incoherent rubbish as Ravi leads him away)
Mrs.G : You know Miles, I just had a wonderful idea , why don't I run upstairs and get my camera and then you can take a picture with Vernon, for your scrapbook ??
Shantha, Ravi, Asif: NO !!
Miles: Splendid idea !
MrsG. Great, I'll just run upstairs and get it.
Miles: I'll just use your toilet if I may - through here I believe ???
Ravi: (feebly) Yes…..
The three of them flop on the sofa as Mrs G and Miles exit through their respective doors.
Shantha: What the hell do we do now ?
Ravi: Search me, I haven't the foggiest……
Asif: Why do I have weeds in my mouth ?
Shantha; Wait ,we can still handle this …..Ravi , where did you stash Vernon ?
Ravi: In the kitchen, under the sink. Why ?
Shantha: Go get him with Asif…..Asif, snap out of it……
(She rushes around the room, switching off lights until everything is relatively dark - just one lamp is left on. Asif and Ravi stagger back in with Vernon )
Shantha : Put him down there (she motions to the middle of the sofa)
Asif : Have you gone completely mad ?
Ravi: They'll guess it in a second !
Shantha: Trust me ! ( She grabs a whiskey bottle and throws the contents over Vernon's suit) We'll just say he's an alcoholic and he also suffers from narcolepsy …….
Ravi : What's that ?
Asif: It's a disease …… Someone who can't help falling asleep at odd times…..it just might work…….
Shantha: Quick, get him into position……(they struggle to get him sorted out. Doorbell rings just as Miles comes out of the bedroom and MrsG rings the bell)
Miles: Ah Vernon,……Vernon …..?
Shantha : He's just having a quick nap , he had a little too much to drink and he feels a little dizzy….but you can come and take a picture right here ?
Ravi: Give me your camera …..go on , go on , sit down , there's good (Grabs camera from MrsG's hand and hustles her over to the couch)
Asif: There we go, sit down right here, OK, this wont take a minute, ready , steady , everybody say ……
VERNON: BUDU AMMO !!!!
VERNON suddenly erupts back into life , coughing and shaking and spluttering. Chaos ensues. Ravi hides behind Shantha and Asif , who cower against the bedroom door.
Miles: What the bloody hell is going on here ?
Vernon: (coughing) I came here for dinner and the next thing I knew I was feeling queasy and then……….(realization dawns) You buggers poisoned me !
Asif: No, no, we can explain everything…..
Shantha: It's not what you think, it's just a silly mistake…..
Miles, Vernon and Mrs.G converge on the three……
Ravi: (faintly) Would anyone like a cup of tea ?
Is short and sweet - opens to cellbars, all three in adjacent cells
Shantha : God I'm bored
Music up: Spotlights on each character posed in corner of stage.Booming voiceover.
RAVI came to terms with his sexuality and is making plans to get married to a nice ruggerite after he finishes serving time for attempted murder. The ruggerite is from Royal by the way.
ASIF runs a booming medical consultancy from within the prison , and many Colombo 7 ladies go to him. He plans to buy his first Benz early next year.
SHANTHA is thinking of taking up skydiving as an antidote to boredom. If that doesn't work, she's going to marry someone old and rich and wait until he dies.
As for VERNON ? Well…
(TV static, then Voice booms out) And here is another top pop hit for all you super funky doody people out there, that classic Hindi film song Chole Ke peche
Music booms out loud as three characters recoil in horror. Blackout.